Self-Love and Self-Compassion in Everyday Life

What do you think of when you hear the phrase self-love?

Maybe you’re like me and immediately hear Tom and Donna’s famous “Treat Yo’ Self” from Parks and Recreation—an entire day dedicated to self-indulgence, complete with a spa day and champagne.

And listen, I like a good glass of sparkling wine and a spa experience.

But I want to invite you to think about self-love a little differently.

Sometimes self-love does look like rest and comfort. But sometimes it looks like getting out of bed when we don’t want to. Going for the walk. Having the uncomfortable conversation. Setting the boundary. Turning off the phone. Going to therapy. Keeping a promise we made to ourselves.

Maybe self-love is less about always making ourselves feel good and more about learning to care for ourselves well.

And self-compassion may be an important part of learning how to do that.

The Way We Talk to Ourselves Matters

I’m an EMDR-trained therapist, which means I use phrases like, “Where do you feel that in your body?” “What emotions do you notice?” and my personal favorite: “Notice that.”

I spend a lot of time helping people become curious about the connection between what they think, what they feel, and what they notice happening in their bodies.

Consider the difference between an internal voice that says: “You’re failing. You’re behind. You’re not enough. You should be better than this.”

And one that says: “This is hard. I’m struggling right now. I can acknowledge that without attacking myself. What do I need to do next?”

The situation may not have changed. The hard thing is still hard. But the way we are relating to ourselves within it has changed.

Researchers have begun asking whether that difference may also show up in the body.

In one experimental study, participants practiced brief self-compassion exercises while researchers measured heart rate, skin conductance, and heart rate variability, or HRV (Kirschner et al., 2019).

HRV simply refers to the tiny variations in time between one heartbeat and the next. Those variations are influenced, in part, by the autonomic nervous system—the system involved in how our bodies adapt to stress, activity, and rest.

The self-compassion exercises were associated with lower heart rate and skin conductance and higher HRV, a pattern the researchers interpreted as reduced physiological arousal and increased parasympathetic activity.

A review of 16 studies also found a moderate association between compassion and vagally mediated HRV, while noting important limitations in the existing research (Di Bello et al., 2020).

That doesn’t mean saying something kind to yourself instantly “regulates your nervous system.” The research is more nuanced than that.

What might change when the voice we live with all day—our own—becomes less threatening and more compassionate?

Comfort and Care Aren’t Always the Same Thing

This is where the conversation about self-love gets interesting.

Because self-love isn’t always soothing.

Comfort asks: What will make me feel better right now?

Care asks: What do I actually need?

Sometimes the answers are the same.

You need rest. You need the slow morning. You need to cancel something. You need to recognize that you’ve reached your capacity for today.

But sometimes care asks something different.

You need to get up. You need to apologize. You need to stop avoiding. You need to make the appointment. You need to tolerate someone else’s disappointment because the boundary is important. You need to go to bed instead of scrolling for another hour.

Listening to ourselves doesn’t mean treating every experience of discomfort as a signal to stop.

Sometimes discomfort may be telling us we are overwhelmed. Other times it may simply be saying: “This is hard. I’m anxious. I really don’t want to do this.”

Part of caring for ourselves is learning to tell the difference.

Sometimes self-compassion sounds like: “I don’t have the capacity for this today.”

And sometimes: “I don’t like this. I’m anxious about it. But I have enough capacity to take the next step.”

There is a difference between gently challenging ourselves and shaming ourselves into action.

Self-compassion says, “I won’t punish you for struggling.”

Care asks, “What do you need from me now?”

Sometimes the answer is rest.

Sometimes the answer is courage.

What Story Are You Telling Yourself?

Pay attention to the stories you tell yourself most often:

“I’m lazy.” “I’m too much.” “I always mess things up.” “Everyone else handles life better than I do.”

A thought isn’t automatically true simply because we’ve thought it a thousand times. But repeated stories can influence the way we interpret ourselves and our experiences.

We may even begin trying to improve ourselves from inside those stories.

“I need to work harder because I’m never doing enough.” “I can’t disappoint anyone because then they might think badly of me.” “I should be able to handle this. What’s wrong with me?”

Self-compassion offers another way of responding—not by pretending everything is wonderful or forcing ourselves to repeat affirmations we don’t believe, but by becoming more honest and curious.

“I’m having a hard time today.”

“I made a mistake. I need to repair it, but I don’t need to become the mistake.”

“I’m exhausted. Maybe what I need today is rest.”

“I’m avoiding something because I’m anxious. Maybe caring for myself today means doing the hard thing anyway.”

I don’t have to attack myself in order to respond to this.

Self-compassion doesn’t have to mean letting ourselves off the hook.

It may mean learning how to hold ourselves accountable without becoming cruel to ourselves in the process.

What Would It Look Like to Care for Yourself Well Today?

Maybe that’s the better question.

What would it look like to care for myself well today?

Maybe it’s a slow cup of coffee on the porch.

Maybe it’s moving your body.

Maybe it’s letting yourself cry.

Maybe it’s finally sending the email.

Maybe it’s saying no.

Maybe it’s showing up when you’d rather hide.

And yes, maybe it’s a spa day.

Perhaps the goal isn’t becoming better at pushing ourselves—or better at giving ourselves a break.

Maybe it’s becoming better at listening.

Learning when we need rest and when we have the capacity for one more step. Paying attention to the stories we’re telling ourselves. Learning that compassion and accountability don’t have to be opposites.

We don’t have to shame ourselves into becoming healthier versions of ourselves.

We can notice.

We can get curious.

And we can ask: What do I need right now—and what would it look like to care for myself well in it?

Treat yo’self—with care, compassion, kindness, curiosity…and the occasional spa day.

References

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